I haven’t written much about this second pregnancy on the blog; although not for any particular reason that I can think of. It seems like babies are good for business (so to speak) but I just couldn’t get it together to document or share, and didn’t want to beat myself up for that.
Now this mysterious creature is due in 10 days, and I’m finally winding down with my design work and random nesting projects, and am finding that my mornings (while Theo is in school) are becoming pretty quiet. So, now I’ve started to reflect on the time ahead more and more.
I think you can kind of ignore being pregnant for the majority of the gestation (especially when it’s not your first baby) and then all of a sudden the prospect of actually giving birth and meeting and caring for this new little person begins to feel real and tangible, and you freak out a bit. Or maybe that’s just me? Our household is kind of baby-crazy at the moment and we are all so excited to finally have the baby in our lives. I’ve been looking back at pictures of Theo when she was just a few days old and it seems miraculous and impossible how teeny she was. But in those quiet moments alone, I wonder, “will I really be able do this again?”
Will I be strong enough to have another natural birth? Can I cope with having a newborn and a three year old, together, and still retain some semblance of my own identity? Will I be a good mother? What will happen with my work (and what do I want my work to actually be, moving forward? That’s a big one)? Will anybody still want to hang out with us?
And most of the time, I know the answer is hell YES I can pull off all of this. But I need to be my own cheerleader and champion and remind myself in a daily-affirmation type of way, in order to really keep it together. Admittedly, it’s not the route I generally take, but sometimes you just have to embrace the Ina-May-Gaskin-rock-star-goddess-within and go with it. And I’m in the home stretch.